Barriers

It happened again. We were going up to the farm in Barton to visit Shawn's brother up from NYC and make up for our missed visit last weekend. Rather than Easter dinner, we were going to have brunch--when my father-in-law asked what we thought we'd bring, I suggested I make scones. His response was "Oh, scones. Okay." I managed to shed some light on what good ones actually taste like, but it made me realize how businesses who make bad products pollute one's idea of what we as consumers should expect. How is it that people continue to buy dry, tasteless scones and muffins from Starbucks (Not to mention paying $4 for a cup of coffee!) for an exorbitant sum of money? In a similar vein, I picked up some larger socks for Timothy a few weeks ago and yet again, we have to use shoes to keep those socks on his feet. How is it that these companies can continue to make money on a product that doesn't work? I don't get it.

We had a great visit, though, and it was great to see Chris. Every time I see him I feel like a moron for not having learned sign language yet. I try, I really do. I have this book I borrowed and I have picked up a lot of random signs. But for whatever reason, when I am actually talking to Chris, I either can't think of any of the ones I've learned or I completely botch it. Of course, the vast number of words we use in an ordinary conversation is extraordinary, and the few random words I know don't do a heck of a lot in propelling the dialogue. Yet, I want so badly for Timothy to grow up speaking sign language so that he can communicate with Chris besides just relying on lip reading like I do. Of course, as a language teacher I know, you need to practice to pick up a language--we just have to see Chris more often, that's all there is to it!

Wishful thinking

Shawn's away for a couple days and brought the camera, thus the inspiration for this entry. It's as much winter as it's been for the last month (we're supposed to get a few inches of snow tonight and be in the low teens for temperatures). In almost every way, it seems like spring is never going to come.

And yet, there is a miracle that happens every year. Almost imperceptibly, the trees start to take on a reddish hue on their tips (I truly love the symmetry with the fall here) and there are the slightest little bumps denoting beginnings of buds. You really have to look closely, but the change is definitely there. It amazes me that it is actually possible given the prolonged cold we've had, but nature knows what she's supposed to do and knows better than we that the snow will only last so long.

And while it seems like a pipe dream, in just a couple months, we'll be sitting on the front porch swatting away the black flies.

I can't wait.

Ulterior Motives

New kind of bread to try. Rye. I've been wanting to try it for a while. It started with a thick batter that fermented over night. Look at the lovely, yeasty bubbles!



I was excited as I saw the dough come together and am looking forward to serving it to our guests tonight, as it looks pretty. We'll see how it tastes.



We're having friends over next Wednesday, too, and I find myself trying to think of what I want to make already. For, to be completely honest, while I love to cook and bake and would do it for myself no matter who was coming over, I definitely enjoy wowing people and receiving the "You made this?" response to some miscellaneous baked good. It makes me feel good, and might be part of the reason I bake as much as I do now that I am home full-time.

Actually, there are a lot of reasons I do--I love to bake. And it is a great activity to do with Timothy as he truly loves being in the kitchen and playing with dough and flour and the like. Since being home with him, I have also tried a lot of different kinds of things, breads that require special rising times or unique ingredients or whatever. It is a challenge for me, something that everyone needs in their life. It is also nice to get positive feedback from others, also an important element of working a regular job that stay-at-home moms just don't get in the same way. I'm doing something I'm good at and that other people can appreciate. We all win, I guess.

Political rant

No photos today--Timmy and I took turns with the stomach flu this weekend, and while Shawn was an amazing caregiver, I still barely managed to get off the couch yesterday.

I just had a second listen to Barack Obama's speech on race--Shawn hadn't had a chance to hear it yet, and I've been pestering him. Hope that doesn't annoy him too much... Anyway, it was a truly remarkable speech, I think, and certainly the most presidential speech our country has heard in a long time.

It baffles me that there has been so much criticism about the speech and that he is stagnant in the polls right now when it heartened me so greatly to hear it. We finally have someone who is willing to speak the truth about something that has needed to be addressed for a long, long time rather than choose issues or sides that could have no argument (such as Hillary denouncing crime during her senatorial re-election campaign). He spoke so honestly, neither excusing nor condemning either side for their perspective, simply pointing out how different those perspectives are. And urging us to be willing to face those differences.

It makes me wonder if the people who say they're worried about Rev. Wright's influence on him actually heard the speech or if they simply are going on the sound bytes that the media played ad nauseum last week. Just as Howard Dean was ruined after Iowa four years ago by the clip of his screaming at a rally. People don't care enough to look at context or meaning, but are actually swayed by only what the media has to say. What power the media holds! It is scary to me to think that so many people go about forming their opinions based on a single snippet they might have heard on the topic. Like Barack Obama having no substance to what he says. Has anyone actually listened to Hillary Clinton? I've never heard someone respond to questions less directly in my life. I heard an interview of hers a couple weeks ago about the fairness of Michigan and Florida's votes being counted and even after being asked the same exact question 3 or 4 times, she still managed to avoid answering it.

I know more people are probably involved and informed this election than ever before which is a really great thing. It would be nice to not constantly hear the same absurd reasons cited for criticism (such as he's just a good speaker, she's got so much incredible foreign policy experience visiting birthing centers in Russia) that have no substance.

Anyway, go Obama.

Good excuse

For the first time in a month, I am excited and even grateful for the snow that is currently blanketing the ground. Our refrigerator started going on the fritz last night and I discovered that it is no longer working at all this morning. So lucky to have 34 degree days in order to keep our food happy until a week from now when a serviceman can actually come and fix the fridge. Fortunately, we have the super-duper warranty which even covers food loss!

So, what better time to cross that item off my list? The chore that I really don't care for the simple reason that it is a hassle to pull everything out. I am equipped with bucket and rag and that sad appliance is about to be scrubbed.

In amazingly good news, Timothy is back on track to being a good napper after yesterday's hiatus. It's been a very constructive day--even got a second coat on this high chair.

Distraction

Three days of long naps and a happy baby. I should count my blessings. But, boy, it is that much harder of a fall when today's naps were lousy and I have a miserable baby on my hands.

The toughest part is I think it was my fault. What do you do when you have to teach some kids and your childcare falls through? I hoped that some miraculous adapting might happen and that our sleep-challenged little boy might just be willing to nap elsewhere besides the absolute perfect conditions of crib, shades, white noise. I even brought blanket and Teddy along to help the transition, but it was just not to be. So, the foiled morning nap caused a snowball to grumpiness and then to an abbreviated afternoon nap and further grumpiness.

In an attempt to pacify the little fella, we baked. Baguettes and bagels. Not a bad outcome, I guess.

I recently bumped into a woman whose son I taught for a year and she made some kind of comment about "those parents who actually conform entirely around their kids' schedules." Well, I am one of those parents. I don't know what else to do, and every time I try I seriously regret it. Someday this will all be behind us and I'll miss his cuddling and closeness like crazy. For now, well, we'll bake.

Death of a houseplant

I've been cleaning up spilled dirt this morning. Not a terrible job, particularly when Timothy loves the vacuum cleaner so much, but a pain nonetheless. He managed to pull down a Christmas cactus that I had recently repotted, but last week, I also had to clean up another plant that fell from its hanger (who knows how that one happened...) and a few weeks before that, I had to bury a sad and decrepit aloe that, I think, committed suicide due to neglect. Limbs were falling off and oozing petrified aloe juice. Not a pretty sight.

I feel a little bad about the decline of my houseplants although I have excused my neglect because of the daily distractions in my life. And then I go over to my brother's and see these lustrous, vibrant, very prosperous plants. I feel a little lame for letting my own fail, and intend to care for them more consistently.

In other news, Shawn recently told me that a snickers bar is better for you than most of the energy bars on the market, which is fairly disappointing to me, particularly as we have a dent store in town that sells them for $0.20 a piece. An easy and inexpensive, but relatively satisfying snack when I'm packing Shawn's lunch. So, to heck with that. I'll make 'em! The ones pictured are a new recipe and are chockful of some yummy seeds, nuts and dried fruit. I guess it can't claim a whopping 25 grams of protein, but who really needs that in a snack anyway?

Parenthood

Before Timothy was born, so many people told us, "you have no idea how this will change your life." And in my head, I thought, "yeah, whatever, I know our lives are going to change, I know it's going to be hard" and I had the audacity to think I knew how and what shifts would happen, even if I wasn't sure their extent.

Well, things have changed, some that I expected and some not so much. Mostly, I realize how seamlessly my life has become something totally different from what it once was. And I can't imagine going back.

This picture of Shawn and Timmy just makes me happy, even though I know it's the briefest moment of non-fussy Timothy had that day. I love how Shawn is as a father--the way he has begun to reach for Timmy first when he gets home and then remembers to kiss me too; his smile when he comes to bed after peeking in on Timothy; the songs he sings that make our little guy grin and dance. And then for Timothy, the look of such intense happiness he gets on his face when he hears his father's voice in the evening after not seeing him all day, the giggle and glint he gets in his eye when Shawn plays a little rough with him. It is just so cool to watch.

So, how can all of this not bring to mind my own father? Parents, really, but father in particular. It's been five years now since I have talked to him, except for a brief and awkward encounter in the grocery store. There's a great deal of history that has led us to that separation, and I have truly felt justified in my distance, even more so because he hasn't made attempts to rectify things. But now, I have a son. Now, I feel this intense mother love for my child that absolutely nothing could undo. And, I see my own weaknesses as a person--mother, daughter, wife, friend--and hope that the people who love me can also forgive me for those, as the French say, faiblesses. And, after reading "The Glass Castle", I also have a hard time thinking my parents were so bad!

I wonder if it is time to be the forgiver. I know there is still risk to being hurt, but that risk is there with any relationship. I'm finally ready to say I want my son to know my father and even ready for my father to know my son. We'll see what happens.

Spin

Every morning on Eye on the Sky, the local VPR weather program, Mark Breen announces how many hours and minutes of daylight we have each day. From December 22nd on, I relish the added 2 or 3 minutes that we get each day. I really notice a big difference this first week or so of March--it felt so good to eat and clean up from our dinner tonight without needing one light!

In the shift forward one hour, we are attempting to manipulate Timmy's schedule so that he sleeps a little later in the morning and doesn't crash at 6:00 every night. Presumably, we should just be able to keep things exactly as they are and he should move to a 7:00 bathtime and wake up at 5:00 AM instead of 4:00, right? We'll see. Day one didn't work out that well, but there's always tomorrow. How can changing absolutely nothing be so darn hard?

Greener Grass over here

We have a lot of snow. So much so that some friends were able to climb up on their roof from the snowbanks and ended up discovering their 6 year old chimney is falling apart. I guess the snow is good for something! It is funny to think that Timothy probably can't imagine anything but a world of white. And it is probably going to be this way for another two months--well, maybe not quite this white for quite that long, but pretty close.

It really has been beautiful this winter and crazy to think about this old fashioned winter we're having is enough to break the records of all those so fondly remembered. There are a couple things about this winter I find interesting about human nature. One, we never remember things accurately. The "good ol' days" weren't as great as we think of them as. There were as many problems then as there are now, I think we just focus on the better aspects of the time. I do think there was a simplicity then that we are lacking just because of where technology has brought us, but that same technology has allowed us to simplify in other ways, too.

The second piece of human nature that is clearly evidenced to me this year is how difficult it is to please us... last winter we wanted more snow. Well, we have it, and now everyone is complaining about what a tough winter it has been! We're begging for spring, and as soon as it hits, we'll be griping about the knee-deep mud. And on we pass into blackfly season, heat and humidity, early frosts killing our tomatoes and finally another six months of winter settling in.

When I first started teaching, I was at a very unpleasant school, and I found myself always wishing it was the weekend. One day, I realized that I was always wishing it was anything but today, and I tried to make a concerted effort to be happier in the moment. There is so much to love and appreciate in this exact moment, but it is so easy to notice all the challenges. I've been thinking about a lot of the negatives recently--the snow makes it difficult to get around, Timothy still struggles with sleeping so I am tired a lot, he wants to be carried most of the time, and my hand is starting to tingle in addition to not being able to straighten out my arm. And yet there's so much to be grateful for, even within those challenges. It is so cozy to cuddle up in front of a roaring fire after a nice snowy walk. Timothy sleeps so much better than he used to, as well, and it is such a wonderful feeling to have him snuggled up in my arms. It is too bad that I need to remind myself to be grateful so regularly, but I guess it is just human nature. I know I'm pretty darn lucky.

My friend Robyn inspired me to make this pie--it was fun to have an occasion (a family dinner) to make it, although I probably would have done so anyway after seeing her mouthwatering version!