Before Timothy was born, so many people told us, "you have no idea how this will change your life." And in my head, I thought, "yeah, whatever, I know our lives are going to change, I know it's going to be hard" and I had the audacity to think I knew how and what shifts would happen, even if I wasn't sure their extent.
Well, things have changed, some that I expected and some not so much. Mostly, I realize how seamlessly my life has become something totally different from what it once was. And I can't imagine going back.
This picture of Shawn and Timmy just makes me happy, even though I know it's the briefest moment of non-fussy Timothy had that day. I love how Shawn is as a father--the way he has begun to reach for Timmy first when he gets home and then remembers to kiss me too; his smile when he comes to bed after peeking in on Timothy; the songs he sings that make our little guy grin and dance. And then for Timothy, the look of such intense happiness he gets on his face when he hears his father's voice in the evening after not seeing him all day, the giggle and glint he gets in his eye when Shawn plays a little rough with him. It is just so cool to watch.
So, how can all of this not bring to mind my own father? Parents, really, but father in particular. It's been five years now since I have talked to him, except for a brief and awkward encounter in the grocery store. There's a great deal of history that has led us to that separation, and I have truly felt justified in my distance, even more so because he hasn't made attempts to rectify things. But now, I have a son. Now, I feel this intense mother love for my child that absolutely nothing could undo. And, I see my own weaknesses as a person--mother, daughter, wife, friend--and hope that the people who love me can also forgive me for those, as the French say, faiblesses. And, after reading "The Glass Castle", I also have a hard time thinking my parents were so bad!
I wonder if it is time to be the forgiver. I know there is still risk to being hurt, but that risk is there with any relationship. I'm finally ready to say I want my son to know my father and even ready for my father to know my son. We'll see what happens.
2 comments:
That is an awesome picture!
Loralee,
That is such a fantastic point. That we are all pretty messy and master mistake-makers. And parenting really brings that out. I think it is such a benefit to you that you are so aware of that. I think some parents start to see those mistakes in themselves as parents and can't really look. It seems like your father has shut out his mistakes and can't really face or see them, for whatever reason. Well, maybe because it is just plain painful. It's so hard to be overwhelmed with love for your kiddo and realize how short you fall as a parent and manage to make sense of it and feel some sort of balance.
Of course I don't know your father at all, and I could absolutely be off the mark. It just makes sense to me that seeing your own mistakes in parenting (and by that I mean, his mistakes in parenting) is so hard because I find it so hard.
Loralee, I also think it is really important to protect yourself from damaging relationships. I guess I want to bring that up because I don't think you should feel that 'no matter what' your door is open to him. But if you think it might be safe for you to open it a bit and see what happens, then it might be a good idea...as long you know how and understand you have the right to close it again if you need to.
I am so glad you wrote this.
And...it was great to see you. You look fantastic and I am amazed at Timothy...his fearlessness and his curiosity...and you are such a loving, patient mom.
Hopefully we will see you soon!
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